Recalling My Failures of Faith in My Younger Christian Years

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One of the doctrinal footnotes that I'm stuck in with the KJV Study Bible is "Failure of Faith". Failure of faith isn't only experienced by unbelievers but also by believers. How are these failures of faith listed by the footnote? Here they are:

  1. Failure to accept the work of Christ or God's will in one's life (Mark 16:11-14)
  2. Little faith which is faith and unbelief mixed (Mark 7:26)
  3. Weak faith or expressing it as mere legalism (Romans 14:1)
These are all in contrast to strong faith or to be rooted in the promises of God. I was thinking about how those three areas are where I'm guilty. I tend to lapse to them (more often than not) and I recall how often my faith was failing especially in my teenage years and adult years. It also drives me to have conflicting desires (such as having romantic interests with an unbeliever in a Christian school) or when I want to forgive someone yet I also want to get even with that person at the same time.

I was thinking of how I get irritated when somebody says "It's God's will!" That would be a failure to accept God's will and weak faith. I was thinking about how I asked why something is so hard. A former enemy of mine, now a Christian, said, "Well, it's God's will." It's a shame really that he wasn't saved at that time yet he could say it, "It's difficult because it's God's will." I'd say there was a mixture of faith and unbelief at that point. The task was difficult I believed God could help me yet I also said, "This is hard! I can't do it! I'm doomed to fail!" It made me think of how I kept saying year after year that I was doomed to fail in secondary school. I admit, I even felt I won't make it and I barely made it in secondary school. It was a tough time especially when my home was hardly a home. I got saved and things got worse because I got labeled as a "fanatic" and I really allowed my rage and compulsive lying (both tend to be connected) to get the best of me. Uncontrolled anger, whether we like to admit it or not, causes us to lie uncontrollably especially if we seek to avenge ourselves. Isn't it any wonder why God said never to avenge yourself? It's because seeking revenge means you'll bypass the justice system, even if it means to lie to destroy the person who wronged you. I've experienced it myself many times that my bad temper causes me to lie a lot either because I can't accept the truth, I wanted to be praised even if it wasn't helpful, I wanted to get away from trouble, or because I want to destroy somebody who hurt me. 

This reminds me of the shortcomings of the heroes of the Bible. Having a weak faith led to several disasters. Peter is an example when he tried to walk on water but looked at the waves instead of Jesus. Abraham failed to see God would protect him in Egypt. Jacob ended up lying and stealing when he failed to trust God. Moses ended up killing an Egyptian taskmaster and later striking the rock from a lack of faith. Gideon was a coward because his faith was mingled with unbelief. Samson made many foolish choices when his faith was mixed with unbelief. David's mixing of faith and unbelief caused him to make a wrong census that put the whole country in jeopardy. If these guys aren't exempt then why am I thinking I'm not exempt? How often did I lash out like a spoiled brat because I mixed my faith with unbelief? How often did I tell lies to destroy somebody because of my weak faith?

The quest for stronger faith can't be done if there were no trials. I was once mockingly told, "Well it's God's will you suffer! Hahahahahahaha!" Within that mockery from the unbeliever, there's some truth that there are times that it's God's will you suffer. 1 Peter 3:17 has it that suffering can be part of God's will. The suffering of the believer can be part of God's plan. How often do I forget that God allowed Satan to hurt Job for a good reason? Suffering may not be easy but there is no grape juice without pressing, no olive oil without pressing and refining, no pure gold without melting. People can mock but they can't change the fact that suffering is needed for stronger faith. Suffering reveals one's weak faith or what needs to be changed in the life of the believer.

This also made me think of how having a difficult secondary education was probably for the best. For one, people in the secular school who had it easy usually ended up flunking hard in the entrance exams. Some entered the university but then ended up missing their life of ease in their secondary education. Many of them just didn't know hardship and weren't prepared for real challenges. I may have barely made it but there were lessons to learn. Soon, I realized that hardship is more beneficial. God sometimes allows failures and hardship as part of the humbling process. Sometimes, God's "no" is better than a "yes" because He knows better. My weak faith was revealed when I can't accept that hardship is God's will. Now, I think, more than ever that any difficulty today has a reason and that I must just do my part.

After all, how can I actually put God's lessons to the application if that faith isn't tested first? A faith that's not tested can't be trusted!

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